Large Blessings Come In Small Packages

As I sit here typing on my Ipad while looking at my son, Drew, I reflect on my infertility journey and how God has led us the entire path. The story of Drew and how we were blessed by him is a testament of God and his continuous love for us.

Almost three years ago when I was working at the church, one lunch period I decided to call Hearts of Adoption to inquire about their services. We had been trying for a few years and I didn't want to go the whole IVF route due to expense so I thought I would pursue adoption (I had always been open to the thought of it). Well after that phone call I became extremely discouraged and didn't feel it was the right path for Scott and I. I then decided to go the fertility treatment route, and even though that didn't work out for us, we met some really great people. It was an expensive turn on the road but one that gave us peace and comfort knowing we had tried all that we could to have our child.

While working for the church my boss and friend told me she was looking into fostering. Scott and I went to one class one time (this was a different place than the one she went to) and because I was in such depression and not in a great state of mind I knew it wasn't the direction that was best for us. So she told me about her agency and I just went on my merry way, until a while later and another friend that I worked with at the church invited us to an orientation for the same agency. She too was looking into fostering, but at this meeting they also mentioned their private infant adoption sector and we were intrigued so we attended another orientation that was just for adoption. I remember sitting there and thinking ok we have hope on the horizon and it was such a peaceful calm feeling at the meeting versus the other foster class we had attended. I asked one question and it was what was the length of time and they said two years! I was like ugh, I am already approaching 40 and would really like it to happen before I get into my 40s!! 

We started this process around this time last year and really got into the massive amounts of paperwork towards the summer. Our adoption specialist Judy was so nice and always great at responding and being helpful. We had our home studies in October and it was mentioned that they have occurrences where people are matched quickly but I really didn't think that would be us. We were officially approved in mid December. 

Then I was on a mission to raise the funds through any means possible with selling things to applying for grants. People would ask me when would we be matched, when was the baby coming. We had no idea and honestly I was in no rush since I knew I had this monitary hurdle I had to overcome. 

In January we had our garage sale scheduled and we were working hard on gathering items and getting prepared. Garage sales are a lot of work! The week leading up to our garage sale we were gifted a crib by some very special people! In that same week I had a massive meltdown as I was suspicious my sister was pregnant. (I have since found out that she is pregnant and Drew is going to have a cousin his age, how fun for him!) 

February 5, I was heading to my parents to make necklaces for one of our fundraisers and I get the call from our agency that we have been matched. Needless to say I couldn't focus on making necklaces and I was flooded with emotions. I was excited, scared and nervous. The next day we went to meet with the birth parents, I didn't know what to expect but it ended up being really comfortable and we felt we were eating lunch with friends. We met their almost two year old so we had an inkling of what our son would look like. We found out she was due February 17, this was only 11 days away so we quickly started getting prepared. We are so blessed my sister has a two year old son and she gave us so much for our son. We had a few other special people in our lives also give us baby items and we are so grateful to everyone!

The next concern was now half the money was due and we weren't anywhere near our goal, I prayed to God for assistance and once again He came through and we are so blessed to raise just enough to cover the first payment. I tell ya God is good! It was all falling into place. There was the concern that they may change their mind and decide to parent but I knew God had a plan and I would follow whatever He wanted for our lives. A month back our pastor spoke of the story of Gideon and the fleece (Judges 6:36-40) and I prayed that if we were really meant to be parents that God would provide and everything would fall into place. Drew was my sign of the fleece. 

I really wanted a girl, honestly I have always wanted a girl but the funny thing is I have had my baby names picked out for years and saved in the notes section in my phone however, we had recently disagreed on the girl name we had originally chosen. And the colors I chose for the nursery are more male friendly.

We met the birth parents again at a park on Feburary 14th, the birth mom is so unbelievably strong and amazing! She really is a blessing in our lives. I can't thank her enough. The estimated birth date came and went and then she was scheduled to be induced March 2.

On February 25 around 6pm I got the call that our son was born. We headed up to meet Drew. We made a quick pit stop at Publix so I could give them a gift card and I noticed the cashier's name was Hope. Wow! I was nervous because I felt the hospital part was going to be very uncomfortable and I didn't know what to expect. But once again it was better than my expectations. At first I felt like I was visiting a friend who had a baby and it felt very surreal. The nurse was amazing and really spent time with us showing us how to swaddle and bath him. I was able to do skin to skin to warm him up after his bath. We stayed at the hospital until 3am and headed back to Naples. After no sleep we headed back up. The birth mom stayed with our adoption specialist and with Drew and when we got there she never wavered on him being our son, she even gave us gifts for the baby. I have never met a stronger person!

Here we are 9 days later and I am still in awe of God and his blessings in our lives. I am not sure I ever thought I would become a mommy and look at us now. I am also lucky to have a better half who is an unbelievable father. He only held one other newborn and now he's the best dad I know besides my own. Thank you God. Thank you to those who never wavered in their support of us.

The Real World

I find social media to be a smoke screen of people's lives, yet I seem to get caught up in believing in what I am seeing. Sure much of it is funny entertainment, there's the political or advertisement posts and then there are the photos (which is why I prefer Instagram to Facebook) but there is some that is just not how it appears. I personally am very open in my life and as a result I am transparent on social media as well. Many know of my fertility issues or if im sick or if something exciting happened that day or that my family had a fun New Years in our pjs. It's just me, it's my Real World.

Scott and I recently were approved to adopt and what an exciting day that was to receive that amazing news. I was over the moon because I'm beyond ready to be a mom. But there's the other part that people don't consider when they suggest, "Why don't you just adopt". For one thing, it's expensive and those who adopt typically have just endured years of heartache and expensive treatments trying to have a biological child. You know how much easier life would be if we could just get pregnant naturally and only have to pay co-pays to have the child. I have wished that more times than I can count. Then there's the heartache that I see others going through with failed adoptions. Most of us have already endured month after month of heartache so I really feel for those women, I haven't experienced it so I can't say how it is firsthand but I can only imagine it is gut wrenching. 

I have put my faith in God that he will provide for us in growing our family and I pray always about it. Yet, I am human and sometimes that worry and doubt creeps up and I wonder how will we pay for this child (we already have so much debt from fertility treatments), will we even get "the call" that there is a baby for us, will they change their mind, all this and more goes fleeting through my brain. I know life consists of ups and downs and I know we are all on a mission to achieve that one thing ( or many things in some cases) but I hope we all get our one thing in 2016. :) 

What I Have Learned Through My Journey

Sometimes it feels like life is a test and it makes you wonder what am I learning and am I passing the test? These past few years for me have been a roller coaster and I personally am not a fan of roller coasters (I get sick just riding in the car in the mountains) but without the lows you wouldn't appreciate the highs.

As I reflect on my journey, I think about what all I have learned. The other day I went to lunch with a great friend who has experienced this same journey as me and I realized so many blessings have come out of infertility.  I used to think that I have lost so many friends through this process however I have since realized I have gained some really great ones that I might not have had the opportunity to meet or spend time with had I not shared similar experiences as them. I have also learned that you are so much stronger than you think you are and that tears do not mean weakness. I have been taught compassion because you really do not know what someone else is going through and this applies to many aspects in life. Perception is not everything. I have learned to be patient (still continuously working on this one) as the process of infertility treatments and now adoption means quite a bit of waiting and patience. I have come to realize that I am tenacious, driven and I don't give up easily. If I truly want something I will find a way to achieve it (still have some aspects in my life that I need to apply this to).

It is easy to seclude yourself when hurting and probably not the best idea to do so however it did help with my faith in God, it strengthened that bond because you know you can't do anything with out Him.

We all have our own path and trials and tribulations but we make it through and you just have to have faith and hope throughout this journey we call life! I believe it is good to step back and look at what you are going through and contemplate on what you should be learning from it and grow. I don't think you are really "grown" once you reach 18, life is a continuous growth and learning process.

Growing In My Heart

Everyone knows I suffer from infertility, I don't hide that aspect of my life from anyone as it is such a huge part of who I am. It is hard enough to endure this journey and I think not talking about it would be even harder and ultimately I hope to help those that are in the same situation. But that's not what I am writing about today. I am talking about taking that next step.... Fast forward almost four years and we have decided to make a turn on our path and go down the adoption route. We looked into donor eggs but the cost is prohibitive and even though I thought the same of adoption I have since learned it is possible.

I remember probably about 12 years ago I was involved in a discussion at work about adoption and I said I would totally do it! However, never did I see that as actual reality for me. Sooooo many people have said to me along the way, why don't you just adopt (mind you they all have their own biological children so in my mind I would think, yea easier said than done) and I just was not ready to do that.

We went to an adoption/foster orientation class and everyone kept saying they were called to adopt. Afterward I said to Scott, what was that all about, I certainly didn't feel that I was called by God to be an adoptive mother. I realized this past weekend after we took our first aid/CPR class that in fact I was called to be an adoptive mother as just not anyone can choose this path and it takes a certain person to adopt someone else's child.

I'm not saying I am a saint and to be honest I am a selfish person and I see this as the ultimate lesson in being selfless. Loving someone that you did not conceive or form that bond while they were in the womb literally scares me but I know my heart is big enough to love that little person. I cried the day I received the preliminary approval and knew I was on the right path and I now know I am all in and so ready and willing. I can't wait to see my husband as a father and to finally have our own little family. My baby may not be growing in my womb but they are currently growing in my heart. I love you so much little one and I can't wait to hold you in my arms forever.

Keeping It Real

When I first started this blog I thought it would be a fun outlet for the fashion side of me, I'm not the best writer but I didn't look at it as a money maker or anything like that. This blog is just a way to share my fashion insight.

Starting tomorrow, Sunday April 19, is National Infertility Awareness Week so I thought I would go off topic and share my story. In the event you are on this same journey, I just want to let you know that you are not alone.

My story begins in college where I had a hard time time adjusting as I had never been away from home for long and always experienced anxiety when I did have the opportunity to go to a camp or vacation with a friend. So I was now forced as a shy individual to make friends and I decided to look up clubs/organizations that I could join that might help in meeting others. One of them was headed up by a guy who I found out later was no longer an active club but I ended up developing a friendship with him. This friendship eventually went further than I wanted and resulted in date rape and I became pregnant. As any normal college girl, I panicked but when I went home a few weeks later and went to the Obgyn I learned that I had miscarried. I was ok with this outcome since this was not in my plan and obviously not conceived out of love.

I always envisioned that I would have a family, I didn't always long for a baby like I do now but I just knew it would be a part of my future. I will never forget the love I felt for my niece when I saw her as a newborn and can only imagine how great that love would be for my own child. I got off birth control about 5/6 years ago but then shortly met a bunch of girls and we were having so much fun that a baby had become less of a priority and hubby and I were ok with just the two of us. You start to become content with your life and don't feel as great of a need to change it (or so I thought).  Over three years ago that all changed and I wanted to get serious about becoming a mother. The first month I was certain I would become pregnant (because I had already been pregnant so I never thought in a million years that it would be a problem) but when that didn't happen that month or any month after I began to experience a Great Depression. Every month my heart would just break into a million pieces and eventually I was unable to continue putting it back together. I then pushed away any friends or really anyone in my life away. I thought it was easier as no one wants to be around a depressed person. You learn to smile on the outside while dying on the inside. So here I was on this infertility journey with no one to turn to (or so I thought) until I started to meet a couple of people on this same path. I began to meet many others through social media and what a relief to find someone who knows exactly what you are going through. A blessing really!

I have learned many things through this process, I have experienced the greatest heartbreak but I have learned compassion for others, patience (still learning this one), hope and faith. It can test your faith in God but ultimately I know He has a plan for me and I have to trust that.

If you are a victim of this disease then I want you to know that you should never give up (harder to say than do) because you never know what is waiting for you around that next corner of life. And remember you are not alone even though most times you will feel you are. One in eight couples will experience infertility, I am 1 in 8.