What I Have Learned Through My Journey

Sometimes it feels like life is a test and it makes you wonder what am I learning and am I passing the test? These past few years for me have been a roller coaster and I personally am not a fan of roller coasters (I get sick just riding in the car in the mountains) but without the lows you wouldn't appreciate the highs.

As I reflect on my journey, I think about what all I have learned. The other day I went to lunch with a great friend who has experienced this same journey as me and I realized so many blessings have come out of infertility.  I used to think that I have lost so many friends through this process however I have since realized I have gained some really great ones that I might not have had the opportunity to meet or spend time with had I not shared similar experiences as them. I have also learned that you are so much stronger than you think you are and that tears do not mean weakness. I have been taught compassion because you really do not know what someone else is going through and this applies to many aspects in life. Perception is not everything. I have learned to be patient (still continuously working on this one) as the process of infertility treatments and now adoption means quite a bit of waiting and patience. I have come to realize that I am tenacious, driven and I don't give up easily. If I truly want something I will find a way to achieve it (still have some aspects in my life that I need to apply this to).

It is easy to seclude yourself when hurting and probably not the best idea to do so however it did help with my faith in God, it strengthened that bond because you know you can't do anything with out Him.

We all have our own path and trials and tribulations but we make it through and you just have to have faith and hope throughout this journey we call life! I believe it is good to step back and look at what you are going through and contemplate on what you should be learning from it and grow. I don't think you are really "grown" once you reach 18, life is a continuous growth and learning process.

Growing In My Heart

Everyone knows I suffer from infertility, I don't hide that aspect of my life from anyone as it is such a huge part of who I am. It is hard enough to endure this journey and I think not talking about it would be even harder and ultimately I hope to help those that are in the same situation. But that's not what I am writing about today. I am talking about taking that next step.... Fast forward almost four years and we have decided to make a turn on our path and go down the adoption route. We looked into donor eggs but the cost is prohibitive and even though I thought the same of adoption I have since learned it is possible.

I remember probably about 12 years ago I was involved in a discussion at work about adoption and I said I would totally do it! However, never did I see that as actual reality for me. Sooooo many people have said to me along the way, why don't you just adopt (mind you they all have their own biological children so in my mind I would think, yea easier said than done) and I just was not ready to do that.

We went to an adoption/foster orientation class and everyone kept saying they were called to adopt. Afterward I said to Scott, what was that all about, I certainly didn't feel that I was called by God to be an adoptive mother. I realized this past weekend after we took our first aid/CPR class that in fact I was called to be an adoptive mother as just not anyone can choose this path and it takes a certain person to adopt someone else's child.

I'm not saying I am a saint and to be honest I am a selfish person and I see this as the ultimate lesson in being selfless. Loving someone that you did not conceive or form that bond while they were in the womb literally scares me but I know my heart is big enough to love that little person. I cried the day I received the preliminary approval and knew I was on the right path and I now know I am all in and so ready and willing. I can't wait to see my husband as a father and to finally have our own little family. My baby may not be growing in my womb but they are currently growing in my heart. I love you so much little one and I can't wait to hold you in my arms forever.

Keeping It Real

When I first started this blog I thought it would be a fun outlet for the fashion side of me, I'm not the best writer but I didn't look at it as a money maker or anything like that. This blog is just a way to share my fashion insight.

Starting tomorrow, Sunday April 19, is National Infertility Awareness Week so I thought I would go off topic and share my story. In the event you are on this same journey, I just want to let you know that you are not alone.

My story begins in college where I had a hard time time adjusting as I had never been away from home for long and always experienced anxiety when I did have the opportunity to go to a camp or vacation with a friend. So I was now forced as a shy individual to make friends and I decided to look up clubs/organizations that I could join that might help in meeting others. One of them was headed up by a guy who I found out later was no longer an active club but I ended up developing a friendship with him. This friendship eventually went further than I wanted and resulted in date rape and I became pregnant. As any normal college girl, I panicked but when I went home a few weeks later and went to the Obgyn I learned that I had miscarried. I was ok with this outcome since this was not in my plan and obviously not conceived out of love.

I always envisioned that I would have a family, I didn't always long for a baby like I do now but I just knew it would be a part of my future. I will never forget the love I felt for my niece when I saw her as a newborn and can only imagine how great that love would be for my own child. I got off birth control about 5/6 years ago but then shortly met a bunch of girls and we were having so much fun that a baby had become less of a priority and hubby and I were ok with just the two of us. You start to become content with your life and don't feel as great of a need to change it (or so I thought).  Over three years ago that all changed and I wanted to get serious about becoming a mother. The first month I was certain I would become pregnant (because I had already been pregnant so I never thought in a million years that it would be a problem) but when that didn't happen that month or any month after I began to experience a Great Depression. Every month my heart would just break into a million pieces and eventually I was unable to continue putting it back together. I then pushed away any friends or really anyone in my life away. I thought it was easier as no one wants to be around a depressed person. You learn to smile on the outside while dying on the inside. So here I was on this infertility journey with no one to turn to (or so I thought) until I started to meet a couple of people on this same path. I began to meet many others through social media and what a relief to find someone who knows exactly what you are going through. A blessing really!

I have learned many things through this process, I have experienced the greatest heartbreak but I have learned compassion for others, patience (still learning this one), hope and faith. It can test your faith in God but ultimately I know He has a plan for me and I have to trust that.

If you are a victim of this disease then I want you to know that you should never give up (harder to say than do) because you never know what is waiting for you around that next corner of life. And remember you are not alone even though most times you will feel you are. One in eight couples will experience infertility, I am 1 in 8.